Your soul lies within
Hidden but alive
And no matter where you've been
It always seems to strive
It gives feeling to your life
Emotions surging through your being
It pricks you like a knife
Showing you what you're not seeing
It gives you thought, it gives you hope
Makes you believe the light will come
It gives you courage so you may cope
With the fears you're running from
It seems to me your soul is all you really need
Though you never now where it just might lead
ichoufani,
I had a hard time making it through this. Not because of extreme poetic safistication, though. Maybe if you looked beyond the cliches of love and religion you could turn this into something worthwhile. As for now, I can pick up any Zen poet and get a much better version of the mysteries of the soul. Trash this, get a new notebook and start from scratch.
Brad
thanx that is really awesome advice.
I will be sure to apply it to any other poems i write
You're good. Okay, it's a good poem. But it isn't very good. It isn't great. The rhythm is quite off, so that it's like you're stumbling through it. And off-rhythm can be okay, if you find a way to make it flow, but this seems more a halting composition of attempts at rhyme while trying to convey emotion. And we see the rhyme more than the emotion when reading it, thus making us not want to. If ou could focus on the emotion part of your writing, and how you want to express that as opposed to the structure (kind of contrary, I know) then you could improve greatly.
get rid of the comma in the last line and one "with" in the third to last line. other than that, this was fairly well written. the rhythm was occasionally off, but worked on reread. it's a very true poem, more of a statement than anything - i found nothing touching about it, but it's very good. keep writing - i loved the rhyme, the comparisons to what the soul does with more physical language.
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